Life Desk :
The other day at a family function, one of my pesky aunts teased my soon-to-be-married cousin with her husband’s surname. She smiled and shrugged off the topic. The aunt joined a few others, and started opining about her getting married in a ‘better caste’ and ergo, how fortunate she is! “Not everyone is as lucky as you, beta ,” my aunt exclaimed.
That was the moment when my cousin, a software engineer by profession, broke her silence and withdrew her fake smile, and replied “Well, bua ! My surname-which was yours once too-is my identity that I proudly carry everywhere, and I have no plans of getting rid of it. It does not make me less of a wife, nor does it give you the status of a super wife…right?”
Though, her unabashed outlook raised a few scornful eyebrows, invited futile murmuring, and probably, did not change a single view point of the people part of that conversation but that girl had a legit logic!
Marriage is an unfair deal for girls in Indian society…at least to some extent. Not just do they have to leave their own house to settle into someone else’s, they also give up their identity…something with which they were born-their surname!
But this age-old tradition is slowly witnessing a change. For some, tagging a new surname after marriage is not a logical move, nor is a testament of marital dedication. And everyone has their own reasons…
“I was very clear and had my own stance on why I would not change my maiden name. First of all, it is something that my father gave me, because of whom I exist today. Secondly, we are two sisters, and if we both change our maiden names then who will take the legacy of my own family forward?” shares Shikha Kukreja, a lecturer.
29-year-old Sana Zabeen, a homemaker, who married into a Hindu family has reasons beyond patrimony. “I took a call on this issue in my school days only. Our society is male dominated and I wanted to make my own mark. So, I decided to stick with just my name, and not take up even my father’s surname. I am married for two years now, and my name, sans any surname, is my identity to the world.” Sana eloquently presents another argument that gives a fitting reply to all the unapologetic judgments passed to her by her kin and kith. “Even Islam does not make it mandatory for girls to change their surname after marriage. Then what is the fuss all about!”
For many others, their maiden name is the bearer of their identity and their achievements as well. “I have really worked hard in my professional life, and my name is synonymous to the achievements I take pride in. Changing my name would simply change the way the world recognizes me…professionally and personally. Marriage is an important part of my life, not literally my life! Further, does not changing my surname make me less of a loving and dedicated wife?” tells Riddhima Kapoor, a PR professional.
Unfortunately, it is not just the girl’s prerogative that matters. In-laws, relatives and in fact society have taken the onus on themselves to approve such decisions. 28-year-old Himani Bhardhwaj, a teacher by profession, shares “My in-laws had issues with me not changing my surname, and this topic always cropped up at family functions and social gatherings. It used to embarrass my entire family. In fact, if not my in-laws, then my relatives used to gently remind me to change it. It took years to justify my decision to my in-laws and now, they have become supportive.”
Many girls like Sana still struggle to keep their choice intact. “I still have to handle my in-laws tactfully. Presently, I have told them I can only change my surname when my passport expires. And this has put off this controversial situation for the next ten years,” Sana unsatisfactorily grins as she shares.
And what about the kids? Shikha has an instant answer, “That would be their call completely, which surname they want to take up or if they want to take up any. Since I was not forced to give up mine, I won’t let anyone govern their choice as well.”
Things are progressing, and the road is taking a U-turn to a new, different route in some cases. There have been cases where men have taken up the surname of their wife and are proudly flaunting it. Abhishek Mande Bhot from Mumbai is one of them and he is surely a trendsetter. The society today also has men like him, who are not in the claws of traditions that hold no relevance, and are open to change. Whoa! We need more and more such men, please!
-ToI
