Omaira Gill :
If you’re planning to come to Athens this summer, here’s a handy list of things you will never hear a local say. You could try them out just for the comedy value.
1. Look at this beautiful August afternoon! The perfect day for a trip to the Acropolis!
Athenians think tourists are crazy for descending on the city’s sites in August, when the sun is unbearable. Locals seek shade until a more reasonable hour before venturing out in the summer months.
2. I’m just going to walk to the store.
Athenians are in love with their cars. No one walks anywhere in Athens if they can help it. This applies to the store just a short walk away too.
3. Instead of coffee and cigarettes, I thought today was a good day to have a proper breakfast so I ate a bowl of muesli.
On my first trip to Greece I asked a Greek friend what the Greeks typically had for breakfast, and cigarettes and coffee is the answer I got. In Europe’s Number 1 smoking nation, cigarettes and coffee is considered the breakfast of champions.
4. The metro is on strike? Well, it’s been a while since I took the bus.
The Athens metro is used by nearly half a million commuters each day. When it goes on strike, hell hath no fury like an Athenian without their metro.
5. So the city center has been shut down again because some hotshot is visiting. These security measures are necessary. Good job, Athens Police!
We’ve recently had a spate of high profile visits to Athens. In order to keep the peace, the authorities shut the city center down and divert traffic during such visits. This makes Athenians working in the center understandably irate.
6. You know, I’ve never actually taken part in a protest as a teenager.
To be a teenager in Greece is to take part in a protest. After all, that’s what motorcycle helmets and adolescent bravado are for.
7. Omonia. Now there’s a great part of town.
I regularly go to Omonia in Athens’ center because it’s the only place where I can find Indian ingredients and good Indian food. Omonia is considered the ghetto of Athens. People can’t believe it when I tell them I go there, or worse, that I take my children there with me sometimes.
8. Opa! Let’s go smash some plates!
Plate smashing died out in the 80s in Athens. Now, it’s expensive trays of carnations that are thrown instead.
9. A stop sign. I better stop.
Athenians are simultaneously some of the worst and best drivers. They would easily be able to out-drive the zombie apocalypse, but they tend to be blind to signs to stop, not turn and not enter.
10. Wow look at this! These little lights actually let people know which direction your car is going to turn! Better use ’em.
Indicators are considered a decorative item by the majority of Athenian drivers. If you don’t have a sixth sense to tell which way the car will turn, you probably shouldn’t be driving anyway.
11. This yiayia in front of me is walking at the perfect speed.
Ah, the curse of the little Greek granny, the yiayia, who is dressed in black and walks right in front of you at a snail’s pace. In a society that demands politeness to the elderly, you just have to grin and bear it when she’s making you late for a meeting.
12. So I went to the city center, and there was a parking space right there in front of me.
Anyone who has ever driven in Athens knows that parking spaces are nearly impossible to find in the center.
13. I don’t feel very well but my first thought isn’t that it’s the mati.
The mati or the evil eye is blamed for everything in Greece. If you look a bit tired, don’t feel too well or yawn more than once, someone will immediately suggest that you are under the influence of the evil eye and will promptly call their yiayia to remove it for you.
14. I had to go deal with the public sector today and it was a really pleasant experience.
There isn’t enough space in all the newspapers in the world to document how hellish dealing with public sector employees is.
15. Great news, guys! This restaurant is actually imposing its no smoking rule!
See number 3. Smoking in public places was banned in Greece in 2010. Allegedly. No place where I have been ever imposes the ban, and you’re treated as a spoilsport for requesting that it is.
(Omaira Gill is a freelance journalist based in Athens)
