Asha Iyer Kumar :
We had barely moved on since the Weinstein saga when the Aziz Ansari story went viral. MeToo merged with a bad date episode and began trending again. These can be seen as extended parts of the same narrative or as two separate issues that need to be addressed differently. One is disgusting, to say the least, and the other is murky because of its ambiguity.
However, what binds them is the fact that they both lend themselves to debates that should now shift from the focus from the perpetrator to the prey. It is about time that we start talking about the women rather than the men.
When those who experience abuse fail to speak, those who empathise with them must stand up and give them voice.
Assault of any kind – physical, sexual or psychological – is predominantly related to a human being’s assertion of power, and continued harassment at home, work or on the street is the result of submission. It is unbearable to think that any woman would bear mistreatment in silence but the stark reality is that a majority of women do, and that’s because they consider themselves captives of circumstances. It is time we tell them that they have choices, and there is life beyond the threshold.
A recent National Family Health Survey report in India notes that about 69 per cent of the women surveyed ‘approved’ domestic violence. It is not entirely unbelievable given how masculine power is wired into the female psyche.
Women in many societies are taught to be subordinate to men, to be their minion and to cater to them at the cost of their own comfort. A woman who questions male authority is often deemed unworthy of family life, and I am not talking of the generation before Google. I know of parents looking for ‘suitable girls’ for their sons who would fit the bill, and their choice depends on the malleability of the girl to fall in line with prescribed norms of wifehood. Total compliance without challenge.
The argument that women put up with gender violence and injustice because they have no option holds no water. Such women endure abuse because they do not think of choices available.
They keep working at the cost of their self-esteem; they take the abuse lying down because they don’t believe in themselves. And when they show dissent, they do it in mere whimpers. Why?
It’s time we sensitised our women to the suffering they augment through their own consent. But who will tell a woman who does not walk out of an exploitative relationship quoting children as an excuse that the future of those very children she claims to protect is jeopardised by her gutless stance?
Who will tell a woman who finds herself getting uncomfortable on a date that she has the option to say no? That she dawdles between ‘yes’ and ‘no’ in an area of ‘may be’ is her ultimate undoing.
There can be no ambivalence in dissent. Drawing the line is a woman’s prerogative.
Only when she chooses to exercise it vociferously by being aware of alternatives can she be completely rid of male repression.
For that, she has to will, uncompromisingly, and raise her voice vehemently not just in a public chorus, but in her private domains, too.
(Asha Iyer Kumar is a writer based in Dubai).
