Life Desk :
Marriage is all about two people sharing everything by virtue of being life partners. And it’s not just about sharing material things but also each other’s experiences, problems and sufferings. What the Christian marriage vow says for couples – “in sickness and in health” is indeed one of the main pillars of the marital edifice.
But how often do we stay true to that vow? How often do we feel the pain of our partners and how often do we try to address and redress it? Probably never.
That’s because we feel it is our right to share our partner’s joy, wealth and fame, but when it comes to being around when a partner is sick or sharing his/her vulnerability when one is unwell and weak, is something we often neglect to do.
And believe it or not, it is often at times like this that the worm of bitterness gnaws into the vitals of the relationship and eventually renders the marriage hollow.
Take the case of Ananya. When she discovered she had breast cancer, her husband Varun suggested that she see a doctor and start treatment immediately. While Ananya was initially pleased that he was concerned about her health, she was in for disappointment when he did not accompany her for the visit to the doctor.
“I expected him to come with me, to hear what the doctor had to say, to offer to get me the medicines, but he did nothing like that,” says Ananya.
For her, it was like a jolt to their relationship. “I suddenly felt alone, and I felt unloved and uncared for. He asked me what the doctor said and if I were taking my medicines, but other than that, he almost left me on my own during the whole time I was unwell,” she said.
For Ananya, it was like a betrayal that Varun could not see or understand the trauma she was going though. When it was time for chemotherapy and radiotherapy, he suggested that she go to her parent’s house for some time. “He said they would take better care of me than he could. I could understand what a torture it must be for him to see me losing hair and puking all day. But what I was most hurt about was that he was my partner; he was supposed to be there for me through this difficult time. How on earth could he expect me to continue loving him after that?” she says.
Later, when things came to a stage where they decided to part ways, Ananya told him about what she felt at that time.
“She said I was most selfish and most insensitive since I did not care for her at all, and all this because I did not accompany her to the doctor? How could she forget all that I had done for her, things I bought for her, gifted her, celebrated with her and showered on her? She forgot all that because I did not ask her every moment how she was feeling? Come on, I think she should get real,” said Varun.
What was distressing was that Varun had no idea what he had done wrong. But what he did not realise that anyone, even if it were him – feels most vulnerable, insecure and afraid when one is ill and weak and unable to take care of oneself. It is at such time that one needs the support of one’s spouse, the love and care that one not only needs but also takes as an expression of a partner’s love for the other.
Marriage counsellors say that it is often the sense of neglect felt by partners at the time when they are unwell, that starts as a small bruise but over a period of time festers into a serious wound.
Couples need the comfort, the companionship and the care that being in a relationship brings. If that is missing, then there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.
– by Amrita Sharma, The Indian Express
Marriage is all about two people sharing everything by virtue of being life partners. And it’s not just about sharing material things but also each other’s experiences, problems and sufferings. What the Christian marriage vow says for couples – “in sickness and in health” is indeed one of the main pillars of the marital edifice.
But how often do we stay true to that vow? How often do we feel the pain of our partners and how often do we try to address and redress it? Probably never.
That’s because we feel it is our right to share our partner’s joy, wealth and fame, but when it comes to being around when a partner is sick or sharing his/her vulnerability when one is unwell and weak, is something we often neglect to do.
And believe it or not, it is often at times like this that the worm of bitterness gnaws into the vitals of the relationship and eventually renders the marriage hollow.
Take the case of Ananya. When she discovered she had breast cancer, her husband Varun suggested that she see a doctor and start treatment immediately. While Ananya was initially pleased that he was concerned about her health, she was in for disappointment when he did not accompany her for the visit to the doctor.
“I expected him to come with me, to hear what the doctor had to say, to offer to get me the medicines, but he did nothing like that,” says Ananya.
For her, it was like a jolt to their relationship. “I suddenly felt alone, and I felt unloved and uncared for. He asked me what the doctor said and if I were taking my medicines, but other than that, he almost left me on my own during the whole time I was unwell,” she said.
For Ananya, it was like a betrayal that Varun could not see or understand the trauma she was going though. When it was time for chemotherapy and radiotherapy, he suggested that she go to her parent’s house for some time. “He said they would take better care of me than he could. I could understand what a torture it must be for him to see me losing hair and puking all day. But what I was most hurt about was that he was my partner; he was supposed to be there for me through this difficult time. How on earth could he expect me to continue loving him after that?” she says.
Later, when things came to a stage where they decided to part ways, Ananya told him about what she felt at that time.
“She said I was most selfish and most insensitive since I did not care for her at all, and all this because I did not accompany her to the doctor? How could she forget all that I had done for her, things I bought for her, gifted her, celebrated with her and showered on her? She forgot all that because I did not ask her every moment how she was feeling? Come on, I think she should get real,” said Varun.
What was distressing was that Varun had no idea what he had done wrong. But what he did not realise that anyone, even if it were him – feels most vulnerable, insecure and afraid when one is ill and weak and unable to take care of oneself. It is at such time that one needs the support of one’s spouse, the love and care that one not only needs but also takes as an expression of a partner’s love for the other.
Marriage counsellors say that it is often the sense of neglect felt by partners at the time when they are unwell, that starts as a small bruise but over a period of time festers into a serious wound.
Couples need the comfort, the companionship and the care that being in a relationship brings. If that is missing, then there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.
– by Amrita Sharma, The Indian Express
