Beverly Engel :
At this crucial time in our history, when the brutal death of George Floyd has seemingly created a moment of reckoning in our country, apology has become more important than ever. One by one, people and companies are stepping up to apologise for the way the police have treated black people, for the inherent racism in the US, and for not recognising the horrible fear and humiliation this racism has inflicted on the black people.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell recently apologised for not listening to players and admitted the league was wrong about protests. Volkswagen apologised for posting a racist video promoting its new Golf 8 on the company’s official Instagram page. And black people and other people of colour are receiving messages from white people they used to be close to, saying they are sorry for their previous racist behaviours.
Apology is not just a social nicety, something we do to be polite. It is an important social ritual, a way of showing respect and empathy for the wronged person or persons. Conversely, by not giving a genuine apology we show disrespect towards the person or the people we have harmed. In addition to expressing respect and empathy, there are several other reasons why apologising to those we have hurt or harmed is so important:
. Apologising shows that we care about the other person’s feelings.
. Apologising shows that we are capable of taking responsibility for our actions.
. By apologising to another person he or she no longer feels that we are a threat to them and often, our apology quiets their anger.
. By apologising to someone we hurt or harmed we validate their feelings and their perceptions.
I have specialised in working with former victims of child abuse for nearly forty years. Time after time I hear from clients that the one thing they wish for more than anything else, the one thing they believe can help them to heal from the abuse they suffered, is an acknowledgment from their parents (or other offenders) about how they mistreated them and an apology for the harm they caused. Once in a while I have even been a witness to the healing that can come when a survivor receives a meaningful apology. The reason why this kind of apology is so healing: the survivor finally feels validated.
Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviours as understandable. In the case of survivors of abuse it is a statement that their reactions and emotions are normal, for example: “Of course you were frightened by my anger. I was out of control.” This not only validates their experience and their perceptions but normalises their reaction.
Apologies such as this also acknowledge that the person was indeed harmed and has a right to feel hurt or angry. This kind of validation is incredibly healing. We all want our feelings to be acknowledged, especially when our feelings have been hurt or we have been emotionally damaged by an act. We want the other person to show us that they know they have harmed us.
Even today, for many, having someone accept responsibility for wrongdoing and express remorse for the harm he or she caused is far more healing than any punishment the wrongdoer would ever be forced to experience.
One simple apology can melt even the hardest of hearts, and tear down the strongest of walls.
(Beverly Engel has been a psychotherapist and author. Courtesy-Psychology Today)
