Fran Simone, PhD :
At a recovery meeting for loved ones, we focused on fear which can crush and overpower. Often we project worst-case scenarios. A litany of “what ifs” take over. We ruminate, we project, we worry. Our hearts sink when the phone rings in the middle of the night. Is our loved one in jail, or a car wreck, or a hospital emergency room? Because these heartbreaking events are often consequences of substance abuse, loved ones often stay on alert.
Fear manifests in different ways. There’s fear of a tragic event, like a drug overdose, DUI, or suicide. And then there are less dramatic and more subtle worries. For example, when talking on the phone to my adult son who is in recovery, I pick up on his tone of voice. If it appears off kilter then “what ifs” take over. What if something bad is happening? What if he’s depressed? What if his depression triggers another episode of substance abuse? Although most parents pick up variations in their children’s tone of voice, I doubt that they jump to extreme conclusions. As Mark Twain said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
But what if the worst thing did happen, then how do we deal with the fear that it will happen again? One way to break the cycle is to stay present. Easier said than done. But when you think about it, all we have is the present moment. The past is over and the future doesn’t exist.
The slogan “One Day at a Time” reminds me to stay present. It helps pull my attention away from projecting into the future and leaving yesterday’s baggage behind. Similarly “Just for today” lightens my load of fear and worry. Another slogan, “Easy does it” reminds me to be gentle with myself when I revert to becoming anxious and fearful. To quote Mark Twain again, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.”
At a recovery meeting for loved ones, we focused on fear which can crush and overpower. Often we project worst-case scenarios. A litany of “what ifs” take over. We ruminate, we project, we worry. Our hearts sink when the phone rings in the middle of the night. Is our loved one in jail, or a car wreck, or a hospital emergency room? Because these heartbreaking events are often consequences of substance abuse, loved ones often stay on alert.
Fear manifests in different ways. There’s fear of a tragic event, like a drug overdose, DUI, or suicide. And then there are less dramatic and more subtle worries. For example, when talking on the phone to my adult son who is in recovery, I pick up on his tone of voice. If it appears off kilter then “what ifs” take over. What if something bad is happening? What if he’s depressed? What if his depression triggers another episode of substance abuse? Although most parents pick up variations in their children’s tone of voice, I doubt that they jump to extreme conclusions. As Mark Twain said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
But what if the worst thing did happen, then how do we deal with the fear that it will happen again? One way to break the cycle is to stay present. Easier said than done. But when you think about it, all we have is the present moment. The past is over and the future doesn’t exist.
The slogan “One Day at a Time” reminds me to stay present. It helps pull my attention away from projecting into the future and leaving yesterday’s baggage behind. Similarly “Just for today” lightens my load of fear and worry. Another slogan, “Easy does it” reminds me to be gentle with myself when I revert to becoming anxious and fearful. To quote Mark Twain again, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.”
(Fran Simone, Ph.D., is a professor emeritus at Marshall University and the author of Dark Wine Waters: a Husband of a Thousand Joys and Sorrows).
