Marty Nemko, Ph.D :
It’s never been easy to parent a teen: They want to establish their autonomy, which can lead to arguments.
But parenting may be especially tough now. It’s often asserted that the next generation will be the first to do less well than the previous. For example, most Gen Zers won’t be able to afford to buy a home, that linchpin of the American dream. Layer on top of that a job market impeded by automation, offshoring, and now the COVID economic collapse, and it’s easy to understand why teenagers are so stressed.
That may also help explain the high teen suicide rate, with white males far more at risk. The suicide rate is 400 percent higher for boys and increasing. The suicide rate is 250 percent higher for whites than for Blacks or Hispanics. If, as is often argued, media portrayals matter, the higher suicide rate among white males is in part caused by the media’s disproportionately portraying white males as sleazes, boors, and doofuses shown the way by spunky, capable females.
Here are three keys to good parenting that should help, even in these tough times.
1. Parent per your child’s needs, not necessarily how you were parented. Some teens need more structure, others more freedom. For example, some teens should be given full freedom to choose their friends while other teens need be urged to befriend certain kids and shun others. Some teens would be wise to pursue a parent’s career. others would not. Some would be wise to attend your alma mater, others not.
A plug for an under-considered college option: the community college. Many high school graduates would benefit from another couple years under parents’ watchful eye, not to mention the cost saving. And a year or two at a community college may enable your teen to transfer to a more prestigious college than if applying as a freshman.
2. Ritualize non-perfunctory communication time. Most parents ask, “How was school today?” but better ones really pay attention and ask follow-up questions such as, “What was the best and worst thing about school today?” Sure, most days, the answers won’t be significant, but communication-facilitating rituals, including aiming for nightly family dinners and chatting while driving maintain an easily accessible line of communication for your child.
3. Encourage trading a bit worse grades and SAT scores for a richer extracurricular life.
That’s worth it even if that results in your teen attending a less-selective college. Important benefits accrue from such extracurriculars as sports, theatre, student government or newspaper, time with (good) friends, and even the pleasure of vegging: listening to music, staring, thinking, whatever. Also emphasize that you’d rather see an honest B than a dishonest A.
As always, advice can often be wrong. In this case, it could be ill-suited to your teen or to your values. But it certainly couldn’t hurt to consider these three principles of parenting.
It’s never been easy to parent a teen: They want to establish their autonomy, which can lead to arguments.
But parenting may be especially tough now. It’s often asserted that the next generation will be the first to do less well than the previous. For example, most Gen Zers won’t be able to afford to buy a home, that linchpin of the American dream. Layer on top of that a job market impeded by automation, offshoring, and now the COVID economic collapse, and it’s easy to understand why teenagers are so stressed.
That may also help explain the high teen suicide rate, with white males far more at risk. The suicide rate is 400 percent higher for boys and increasing. The suicide rate is 250 percent higher for whites than for Blacks or Hispanics. If, as is often argued, media portrayals matter, the higher suicide rate among white males is in part caused by the media’s disproportionately portraying white males as sleazes, boors, and doofuses shown the way by spunky, capable females.
Here are three keys to good parenting that should help, even in these tough times.
1. Parent per your child’s needs, not necessarily how you were parented. Some teens need more structure, others more freedom. For example, some teens should be given full freedom to choose their friends while other teens need be urged to befriend certain kids and shun others. Some teens would be wise to pursue a parent’s career. others would not. Some would be wise to attend your alma mater, others not.
A plug for an under-considered college option: the community college. Many high school graduates would benefit from another couple years under parents’ watchful eye, not to mention the cost saving. And a year or two at a community college may enable your teen to transfer to a more prestigious college than if applying as a freshman.
2. Ritualize non-perfunctory communication time. Most parents ask, “How was school today?” but better ones really pay attention and ask follow-up questions such as, “What was the best and worst thing about school today?” Sure, most days, the answers won’t be significant, but communication-facilitating rituals, including aiming for nightly family dinners and chatting while driving maintain an easily accessible line of communication for your child.
3. Encourage trading a bit worse grades and SAT scores for a richer extracurricular life.
That’s worth it even if that results in your teen attending a less-selective college. Important benefits accrue from such extracurriculars as sports, theatre, student government or newspaper, time with (good) friends, and even the pleasure of vegging: listening to music, staring, thinking, whatever. Also emphasize that you’d rather see an honest B than a dishonest A.
As always, advice can often be wrong. In this case, it could be ill-suited to your teen or to your values. But it certainly couldn’t hurt to consider these three principles of parenting.
(Marty Nemko, Ph.D., is a career and personal coach based in Oakland, California, and the author of 10 books).
