Ranjit Podder :
Friendship is a relationship where there is love, honour, trust, dependability, responsibility, emotional attachment, selflessness, honesty, submissiveness, humanity, sympathy, empathy, sacrifice, and sensitivity. Probably only the mentioned words do not have the capability to describe ‘friendship’ properly as it consists of many other virtues. A true friend is a person who can sacrifice even the valuable life for friends. On the contrary, persons pretending to be friends are always busy to save and beautify own lives. In the recent past, we have a glorious example of friendship in the Holy Artisan tragedy. Faraaz, a 20 years old Bangladeshi boy studying in the USA, sacrificed his life for friends glorifying the sacred relationship. The name Faraaz has become synonymous to true friendship upholding the image of Bangladesh in the world. I used to tell my students, ‘friends are those people who love and help you without thinking of benefits in return. In that sense, parents are the best friends on earth’. That I told about 25 years ago when I used to teach in a secondary school in Dhaka. Some of my young students liked my definition of friendship and till today they often mention that they were influenced by the definition. Facebook friendship is quite different; it does not match the traditional spirit of friendship. Have we not tarnished the meaning of friendships or friends by recognizing all the connected people as friends? Are all the connected people on the Facebook really friends?
Some people love to clarify FRIENDS as people who love to be in touch in weal and woe (F: fights for; R: respects; I: includes and inspires; E: encourages in better initiatives; N: needs you; D: dependable: S: supports). Although the ties of friendships are seen tight in childhood, it becomes loosened with growing ages probably because of conflicts of interests. In response to a query about what friendship is, a primary school student said, “Friendship is: you take away my chocolate everyday from my bag but I still keep it in the same place; and I love to see you eating my chocolate”.
A school teacher punished a class three student severely and the student fell ill. The kid was taken to a doctor but the boy did not tell his parents or the doctor about the punishment. Why? The boy thought, “My parents may get angry with the beloved teacher”. What a tight kind of bond of friendship between the student and the teacher! Friends always try to turn your sad time into happiness and do not do anything consciously that hurt you. However, making friendship is not a matter to be taught in schools, colleges, and in universities; it is a virtue to be practised through smaller sacrifices. If you have not learnt to sacrifice and to be happy in others’ successes and achievements, you have somehow missed one necessary virtue to be a better friend as well as human being. World famous athlete Muhammad Ali said, “If you haven’t learnt the meaning of friendship, you have not really learnt anything”. Friendship is not a linear relationship, it is reciprocal. Friendship does not have direct value but it certainly adds value to life.
There may be someone whose behaviour is friendly, but they may be friend to none although friendly behaviours pave the way to make friendships.
Usually, friendships become weakened with the growth of our age when complexities of life surround us. However, there are some rare examples of true friendships that survived the test of time. Instead of ties being loosened, their relationship deepens with the elapse of time. What is the secret of continued friendships throughout one’s life? Probably, the one-word answer is ‘sacrifice’. Suppose two or more friends have taken a project. If you feel that your friend(s) is doing much more than you are doing or if you feel that you should employ more efforts, I believe, the friendships will never die.
On the other hand, if you have a feeling like – you are doing everything or you should have more credit for a work done together, probably the friendships have started decaying. Do not bag all the credits; give team members equal recognition. It takes time to prove oneself as a true friend; and the relationship of friendship should be nourished every day. Unless we water the garden, where will we get the lovely flowers?
Before judging others how good or true friends they are, let us see how good we ourselves are as friends. Let’s answer the following questions individually. If the answers to most of the questions are ‘yes’, I am or can be a good friend! Have I done anything nice for our friends? Am I happy when my friends have successes? Do I congratulate my friends on their achievements? Do I share or publicize their successes and achievements to others? Do I feel sad in my friends’ bad luck?
Do I help my friends to prosper in studies and professions? Do I do anything for others where there is no direct benefits for me? Do I find virtues more than vices in my friends? Do I often invite my friends for tea, coffee, lunch, or dinner? Am I interested in my friend’s life (weal and woe)? Do I sincerely listen to them, tell them the truth, guide them in need, be fun and light in behaviours, forgive them for their odd conduct, help to grow professionally, financially, celebrate their successes and support their losses? Furthermore, do I help my friends to grow with me? Do I accept the differences in my friends? If the answers to the questions are ‘yes’, you can be or already are good friends with those for whom the answers are ‘yes’.
On the contrary, if there is burning sensation in your heart at the successes of your friends; if you always try to hide something that your friends should know; if you consciously push back your friends, you need to clean your state of mind through practices to be true friends.
If you want to be good friend, start sacrificing. You do not have to advertise yourself, there are some grateful friends who are talking about your virtues consciously or sub-consciously. Before being a true-friend, one needs to be a good human being.
True-friendship making qualities are great virtues. Almost all the people living in the current time are lonely in the crowd.
This situation is no way good for our mental growth.
It is high time we practised the valuable virtues of friendships in our society for creating more psychological attachment between the members of the societies.
We love to believe, if the mentioned virtues are practised again and again in the educational institutions as well as in other social organizations, a feeling of being friendlessness may improve in the society.
(The writer is an Associate Professor currently posted at Govt. Teachers’ Training College, Dhaka. He can be reached at email: ranjitpodder [email protected])
