Life Desk :
James and Brenda were at The Atlantic in Melbourne to celebrate their third year of marriage. What started as a night of laughs and lighthearted banter, however, turned into a heated argument that nearly drove the couple to consider separation.
“Everything was going great – the food, the ambience,” James recounted. “That was until I mentioned how badly I want to have kids.”
James, then 33, is works for a non-profit organisation. Brenda, then 32, is starting to establish her name as an architect.
Like most couples, James and Brenda do not see eye to eye on some issues. James believes that certain goals in life should be met at a certain age. Happily married at 33, he thinks it’s time to have kids. Brenda also plans for the future, but thinks that it is more fluid and can change at any given point.
“Before our anniversary, James had already been telling me how much he wants to have kids,” Brenda said. “To me, it felt like I’m being pressured to let my career go, something that gave me purpose and joy.”
Every argument reaches a breaking point, and for the young couple, it turned out to be the night of their anniversary. Dinner became a quiet affair midway, and it went downhill from there. The moment they got home, a huge fight ensued that resulted in Brenda spending a couple of weeks with her parents to cool off.
Accepting you need help in your relationship is the first step to improving things.
Accepting you need help in your relationship is the first step to improving things. Source: Supplied
When they finally had the chance to talk, they both realised they still wanted to make their marriage work. They, however, do not know how to be on the same page when it comes to having kids. Accepting the fact that they need help, the couple decided to seek counselling.
With the help of their therapist, Brenda was able to share with James the satisfaction she gets from her job, as well as her fears that she alone will be tasked with caring for their children, leaving her with no time for her career. James also became comfortable sharing that he feels alienated by Brenda’s hesitation to have children, and that he wants to take this step forward with her.
After a number of sessions, both were able to better understand each other’s feelings, fears, and concerns. By learning active listening skills and using them to discuss their points, the two decided to hold off having children for a few more years. James and Brenda then finished their sessions armed with skills to help them deal with future conflicts should they arise.
People who are in romantic partnerships often encounter several problems that are actually quite common, such as having frequent arguments, dealing with prolonged feelings of distance, and having conflicts revolving around finances or careers. Sometimes these problems can snowball into more serious ones like harbouring feelings of jealousy, having differences in sexual needs, and sometimes even infidelity.
The story of James and Brenda is only one example of how couples counselling can help a relationship through difficult times. The Australian government has come up with a program that offers free vouchers for couples counselling, encouraging partners to give counselling a try and learn about topics like parenting and conflict resolution. Up to 100,000 vouchers are available for couples, each valid for therapy worth $200.
This is a great sign that the government is starting to see the importance of removing the stigma of counselling for couples and is finally providing an avenue for them to safely avail these services. Hopefully, health organisations will follow suit soon, as counselling can have a lot of benefits for couples.
Despite the fact that therapy can help, plenty of people avoid it because of the stigma of couples counselling and counselling in general. In fact, the governmental initiative has been off to a slow start, with less than 2,000 couples having availed of the service in its first month. Why are couples hesitant to take advantage of these free sessions?
Couples might be cold to this new initiative because of the stigma attached to it. This covers many of the reasons why people avoid getting help, like the cost of sessions, its association with mental illness, and the fear of being judged by others, even by the therapists themselves. It’s common for couples to avoid therapy, because it can be intimidating and scary for those who don’t know what to expect.
Others might see therapy as unnecessary, not realising that they need it. For example, some partners would prefer to keep their issues private, whereas others would ask for advice from an older family member or a friend, rather than seek help from a therapist. Readers might know some of their own relatives who would willingly keep up a facade of having a perfect and healthy relationship instead of finding help from someone else.
In the end, some partners feel that their problems will solve themselves in due time, or that their problems are “too small” to seek therapy for. Showing that time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds, the median duration of a marriage ending in divorce in Australia was recorded at 12.2 years in 2011, with nearly 50,000 divorces being granted in the same year.
Luckily, many of these reasons are slowly being addressed. For one, some health insurance companies are starting to provide coverage for counselling services, making therapy much more affordable and available to couples.
Another is that people are starting to see how useful counselling can be for problems that people encounter in life or in love. Finally, governments and organisations are working on educating people and removing the misconceptions that surround getting professional help.
Counselling isn’t a cure-all, but it certainly is an option that couples should choose to take together. Dan Auerbach, a psychotherapist and director of Associated Counsellors & Psychologists Sydney, shares that many partners experience strain in their relationships due to stress, and that couples counselling helps people reconnect after these stressful situations. Counselling can also help couples by providing an objective view of the conflict from an unbiased third party, by giving guidance in changing behaviour, and by creating a safe environment for both partners to air grievances.
It can work even for those who aren’t on the verge of ending their relationships, but are just beginning. Partners who are planning on getting married can seek pre-marriage counselling, which can serve as a way for partners to discuss their needs and expectations from their marriage with guidance and input from a trained professional. Pre-marriage counselling can help people avoid the problems that James and Brenda faced in their own marriage, or can better equip them to handle it on their own.
Admittedly, counselling doesn’t save everyone’s relationships. Things like the length of time the problem has been going on, the presence of abuse, or the state of mind of both partners as they enter therapy can greatly affect the success of sessions. For example, couples counselling will likely fail if one partner enters therapy having already decided to leave the relationship. While couples counselling might not work for everyone, it’s important that partners know that seeking help is an option that they can go for without fearing social repercussions from an undeserved stigma.
The truth is, a large number of couples end up waiting for their relationship problems to become bigger than they can handle, and eventually separate because of differences that can be addressed. So if you feel that you need help, don’t let the stigma of counselling keep you from reaching out. It is a viable option that can help you save your relationship. Here are some ways you can debunk the stigma of couples counselling for you and your partner:
1. Read and educate yourself on counselling and therapy. There are many types of therapy available, and you should see which ones you would be comfortable trying.
2. Remember that all the things you and your partner may talk about during a session will be kept completely confidential by your therapist.
3. Inquire about prices. While sessions may not be cheap, many therapists can be flexible and will be willing to help you come to a reasonable payment plan.
4. Ask questions. If there’s something you don’t understand about therapy and the process, don’t hesitate to ask for clarifications.
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