nger is a normal, healthy emotion. But it can be a problem if you find it difficult to keep it under control. Unfortunately, anger often rears its head in our interactions with those we love the most, including our romantic partners. But passion in a relationship shouldn’t mean that emotions like anger are expressed in uncontrollable ways. Managing anger and managing your response to an angry partner is a useful skill that can promote intimacy and maturity in any romantic relationship.
The emotion of anger is neither good nor bad. Like any emotion, it’s conveying a message, telling you that a situation is upsetting, or unjust, or threatening. If your kneejerk reaction to anger is to explode, however, that message never has a chance to be conveyed. So, while it’s perfectly normal to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged, anger becomes a problem when you express it in a way that harms yourself or others.
If you have a hot temper, you may feel like it’s out of your hands and there’s little you can do to tame the beast. But you have more control over your anger than you think. You can learn to express your emotions without hurting others.
Controlling anger
Anger often emerges while confronting others about specific problems, situations, or grievances. Learning to address these productively can limit the impact of the anger and help resolve the underlying trigger.
It can help to:
A) Avoid words such as ‘always’ or ‘never,’ which can alienate others and prevent a person in the grips of extreme or irrational anger from believing that a situation can change.
B) Let go of resentment, as bearing a grudge can fuel anger, making it harder to control.
C) Avoid harsh, sarcastic humor, and try focusing on good-natured humor, which can help ease anger and resentment.
D) Timing is important – if discussions in the evenings tend to become arguments, due to tiredness, for example, change the times that these talks take place.
E) Working toward compromise in a healthy way can encourage positive emotions for everyone involved.
The goal of anger management
Many people think that anger management is about learning to suppress your anger. But never getting angry is not a healthy goal. Anger is normal, and it will come out regardless of how hard you try to tamp it down. The true goal of anger management isn’t to suppress feelings of anger, but rather to understand the message behind the emotion and express it in a healthy way without losing control. When you do, you’ll not only feel better, you’ll also be more likely to get your needs met, be better able to manage conflict in your life, and strengthen your relationships.
Mastering the art of anger management takes work, but the more you practice, the easier it will get. And the payoff is huge. Learning to control your anger and express it appropriately will help you build better relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a healthier, more satisfying life.
Health risks
When a person is angry, the body releases stress hormones, such as adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol. The heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and breathing rate increase, as a result.
Recurrent, unmanaged anger can result in a constant flood of stress hormones, which negatively impacts health.
Anger that is regular and extreme can, for example, contribute to:
i) backaches,
ii) headaches,
iii) hypertension, or high blood pressure.
iv) insomnia.
v) irritable bowel syndrome or other digestive disorders.
vi) skin disorders.
vii) a stroke.
viii) a heart attack.
ix) a reduced pain threshold.
x) a weakened immune system, which can result in more infections, colds, and the flu.
Anger isn’t the real problem in abusive relationships
Despite what many believe, domestic violence and abuse does not happen due to the abuser’s loss of control over his temper, but a deliberate choice to control you. If you are in an abusive relationship, know that couples counseling is not recommended-and your partner needs specialised treatment, not regular anger management classes.
(Writer is Chairman, Green Club, Manikganj)
