Life Desk :
We send our kids out into the world without equipping them with skills that can protect them from sexual abuse. The horrifying child sexual abuse statistics tell us that as high as 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 18th birthday. On top of that, 85 per cent know their perpetrator.
Author Jayneen Sanders specializes in writing empowering books for children in the topic areas of Body Safety: ‘Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept’, ‘My Body! What I Say Goes!’, consent: ‘No Means No!’ and gender equality and respectful relationships: ‘No Difference Between Us’ and ‘Pearl Fairweather, Pirate Captain’. An active advocate for Body Safety Education, she shares, “When my children reached school age, I asked their primary school to implement Body Safety Education (sexual abuse prevention education) and my request was ignored. People were very uncomfortable with the conversation. I decided right then to use my skills as a writer to author a book to help parents discuss this important topic with children in an age-appropriate way.”
Prevention education is simple but once a child is being sexually abused, it becomes very complex, damaging and life-changing. Here is an excerpt from our chat:
What is the right way to educate growing kids about good and bad touch?
I believe we can start to educate children from a very young age. I have five children’s books now covering the topics of body safety, body autonomy and gender equality. Children are visual learners so children’s picture books are ideal in relaying important messages to children. In saying that, we also need to educate parents and teachers in Body Safety. After all they are responsible for the safety of our children. They need to educate themselves in grooming techniques, signs a child is being sexually abused and importantly to believe a child if they do disclose. We know in 98 per cent of cases where children reported sexual abuse, their statements were found to be true (NSW Child Protection Council, cited in Dympna House, 1998). An adult’s reaction to a child’s disclosure is crucial to their ongoing recovery. To this aim, I have written a book; for adults entitled ‘Body safety Education: a parents’ guide to protecting kids from sexual abuse.’
What are the key body safety points?
As soon as your child begins to talk and is aware of their body parts, begin to name them correctly, e.g. toes, nose, eyes, etc. Children should also know the correct names for their genitals from a young age. Try not to use ‘pet names’. This way, if a child is touched inappropriately, they can clearly state to you or a trusted adult where they have been touched.
Teach your child that their penis, vagina, bottom, breasts and nipples are called their ‘private parts’ and that these are their body parts that go under their swimsuit. Note: a child’s mouth is also known as a ‘private zone’.
Teach your child that no-one has the right to touch or ask to see their private parts, and if someone does, they must tell you or a trusted adult straightaway. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they are believed. (Statistics tell us that a child will need to tell three people before they are believed.) As your child becomes older (3+) help them to identify five trusted adults they could tell. These people are part of their ‘safety network’. Have your child point to each digit on their hand and say the names of the people on their ‘safety network’. Teach your child that if some-one (i.e. the perpetrator) asks them to touch their own private parts, shows their private parts to the child or shows them images of private parts that this is wrong also, and that they must tell a trusted adult straightaway. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they are believed.
At the same time as you are discussing inappropriate touch, talk about feelings. Discuss what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Encourage your child in daily activities to talk about their feelings, e.g. ‘I felt really sad when … pushed me over.’ This way your child will be more able to verbalize how they are feeling if someone does touch them inappropriately.
Talk with your child about feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. Discuss times when your child might feel ‘unsafe’, e.g. being pushed down a steep slide; or ‘safe’, e.g. snuggled up on the couch reading a book with you. Children need to understand the different emotions that come with feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. For example, when feeling ‘safe’, they may feel happy and have a warm feeling inside; when feeling ‘unsafe’ they may feel scared and have a sick feeling in their tummy.
Discuss with your child their ‘Early Warning Signs’ when feeling unsafe, i.e. heart racing, feeling sick in the tummy, sweaty palms, feeling like crying. Let them come up with some ideas of their own. Tell your child that they must tell you if any of their ‘early warning signs’ happen in any situation. Reinforce that you will always believe them and that they can tell you anything.
As your child grows, try as much as possible to discourage the keeping of secrets. Talk about happy surprises such as not telling Granny about her surprise birthday party and ‘bad’ secrets such as someone touching your private parts. Reinforce that surprise are happy and will always be told. Make sure your child knows that if someone does ask them to keep an inappropriate secret that they must tell you or someone in their ‘safety network’ straightaway.
Discuss with your child when it is appropriate for someone to touch their private parts, e.g. a doctor when they are sick (but making sure they know a person on their Safety Network in the room). Discuss with your child that if someone does touch their private parts (without you there) that they have the right to say: ‘No!’ or ‘Stop!’ and outstretch their arm and hand. Children (from a very young age) need to know their body is their body and no-one has the right to touch it inappropriately.
Ensure you child knows their body is their body and they are the boss of it. Reinforce the idea that everyone has an invisible body bubble around us (personal space) and that they do not have to hug or kiss someone if they don’t want to. They can choose to give that person a high five or shake their hand instead.
What can parents do to ensure kids openly discuss about these things?
From a very early age talk to your kids about everything. Ensure nothing is off the table. In this age of technology, your kids will see many things that will be worrying to them; it is inevitable. What you can do is make sure your kids feel comfortable to come to you about anything that is worrying them or if they have seen images or heard conversations that disturb them. Be that safe adult they can come to. Be that person they can trust and will always believe them. Childhood is no longer as simple as it once was. We need resilient and empowered kids, and we need to provide our children with the skills to navigate this ever-changing and challenging world.
A child is scarred for life after being abused at a tender age. What are the troubling signs to watch out for?
It is important to know that one or more of these indicators does not mean your child is being sexually abused, but if they do show some of these indicators, then there is good reason to investigate further.
General Signs of Sexual Abuse (0 to 12 years): overly interested in theirs or other’s genitals, continually wants to touch private parts of other children, Instigating and/or forcing ‘sex play’ with another child (often younger, more than 3 years difference in age), sex play that is not appropriate i.e. oral genital contact between a 7 year old and a 4 year old (note: with the increase in pornography viewing on the internet by young children, sex play is becoming more worrisome among similar-aged children), sex play with another child happening more than three times, despite careful monitoring and discussion about inappropriateness, persistent masturbation that does not cease when told to stop, seductive/advanced sexual behavior, sexualized play with dolls or toys, sexualized play involving forced penetration of objects vaginally or anally.
Other signs are chronic peeping, exposing and obscenities, touching or rubbing against the genitals of adults or children that they do not know, persistent use of ‘dirty’ words, describing sexual acts and sexualized behavior beyond their years, drawings and/or games that involve inappropriate sexual activities, strong body odor, sores around the mouth, bruising or bleeding in the genital area; bruising to breasts, buttocks, lower abdomen or thighs, withdrawn and anxious behavior (irritable, clingy, listless), secretive or say they have a ‘special’ secret that can’t tell (this may be to gauge your reaction), child or child’s friend telling you about interference directly or indirectly, going to bed fully clothed, increase in nightmares and sleep disturbances, regressive behavior, e.g. a return to bed-wetting or soiling, sudden changes in behavior, e.g. from a happy child to an angry and/or defiant child, appetite changes (sudden and significant), unexplained accumulation of money and gifts, not wanting to go to a certain person’s place or to an activity, indirectly dropping hints about the abuse (again, to gauge your reaction).
In older children (adolescents): self-destructive behavior such as drug dependency, suicide attempts, self-mutilation, eating disorders, adolescent pregnancy, persistent running away from home and/or refusal to attend school, withdrawn, angry, saying that their body is dirty, ruin, damaged, pornography interest; verbally sexually aggressive obscenities.
What’s the most disturbing part about sexual abuse in kids?
Secrets are the currency sexual predators deal in. If a child has been educated to tell an adult they trust secrets that make them feel bad or uncomfortable, and that trigger their Early Warning Signs, then they are less likely to be targeted. I would encourage parents and teachers to be loud and proud that they teach the children in their care Body Safety. If a predator knows a child is educated in Body Safety, they are certainly far less likely to target that particular child. Predators don’t want us to educate children so that is why we must do the complete opposite! Let’s shine a light on this topic so predators have no more shadows to hide in!
These days we encourage parents with a policy of ‘no secrets’ only ‘happy surprises’ as surprises will be told. They are different to secrets because they are fun and they will always be told. But in all practicality, it is hard for the word ‘secrets’ to go out of our vocab. It is used unwittingly everywhere. So if a child is educated that there are no secrets but if someone does tell you to keep a secret that bring on those Early Warning Signs than secrets like those MUST be told. Even though the adult or older teenager tells you not to.
-TNN
